Trap House part 1. Gnarlie Charlie
While I was in the Army I would consistently find and go to Metal Shows all across North Carolina. I would sometimes drive 5 hours just to go to a show and drive back directly after.
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I was at a show at a venue called Cup of Flow about an hours from Fort Bragg. I forget all of the bands that were playing, Lions For Lambs was the band I attended for.
Usually at these shows I would tend to slam dance. I guess I was at least somewhat okay at it because people attending and dancing would normally give some props for it afterwards kind of like the end of a fighting match or sports game. One of those people who liked it was my buddy “Gnarlie” Charlie. At this point I only saw him at some hardcore shows but had not actually spoken to him.
After the show, I was invited by the vocalist of the band Lions To Lambs to attend an after party. I gave Gnarlie a ride and picked up a case of beer. We ended up at a house that was inherited by the vocalist’s grandmother and partied it up.
I would continue to see Gnarlie at the metal and hardcore shows and we started to become closer friends.
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Eventually, I was invited to his “Crib” in Fayetteville. It was a Trap House in an apartment complex called Cambridge Arms.
I was asked if I could be security. Just hang-out and when someone knocks on the door to answer. I was also watching if a vehicle was about to come around into the parking lot. The only way to drive in you had to drive all the way around the building across one specific spot that was in my vision through the squinted blinds during the day or headlights or sound by night. Usually this was headlights since I was there mostly in the evening-early morning.
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I would also travel and be a safety net for entering other houses to do interactions with others. I remember a time where we went to a house and the guard was skeptical to let me in. My host that was bringing me to the occasion told him that I was his most trusted man and I was brought in immediately and sat down at a rectangular table with 2-3 others who sat smoking cigarettes and blunts while the interaction was in progress.
I did this for a while to feed my urge for adrenaline. At times my blood was pumping pretty heavily. But this is what I wanted.
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I saw many things inside of the Trap. it was also a place that I had to seek refuge when I needed it. I once went there when noone else was there for me after I had left Fayetteville. Gnarlie made sure that I had a spot to crash anytime I needed it. Even after I had moved in with my to be (3rd Wife) in Raleigh. We had a period that was very rocky and I had nowhere else at the time to go for the night. I drove to his house and he gave me something to “calm me down” which was a portion of a blunt passed back and forth between us and a girl that to that point I had never seen before.
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There was a portion of time where we chilled for a bit, spoke about old times. He told me about this new group he just joined and that he was the “Secretary” he was also infatuated with this girl that was texting him constantly. He told me he loved her.
I told him I needed to go and he did not want me to leave. He literally begged me to stay. But I had to go to this party. That was the last time I had spoken to him.
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I did notice while I was in his room that his blinds were wide open watching the street. I thought this of being a large hazard once I entered the room being the nature of the house, but I didn’t say anything.
I didn’t notice entirely at the time, nor was I thinking this. But he was scared to death and didn’t want me to leave. Recently he even had “Wanted Dead” tattooed on his face.
01DEC2017
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About 2 weeks later Gnarlie was shot through his window in his bedroom.
I would return periodically to Fayetteville from Raleigh to find and talk to people in attempt to figure out who did it. I would spend days walking around and meeting and talking with people to hopefully get resolve.
It never went anywhere.
I was contacted by the group Gnarlie was affiliated with in attempt to recruit for his position in which I declined.
That type of lifestyle was no longer for me anymore I had transitioned out.
The beauty Of Nature
Nature is absolutely incredible; I have some thoughts today in regards to some things I have personally learned and observed.
I’ve personally taken notice to the what I call “personalities” or what is the instinct or nature of a specific type of living organism.
Termites, Ants, Moth, Human etc. use pheromones to communicate, at least to some degree.
Termites use pheromones to tell the colony what to do in regards to production of which type of caste. (Alate “reproductive”, Nymph, Soldier, Worker) for the needs of the colony. They also use pheromones to communicate where a source of food is.
Some species of Ant send out the old older ants to go find the food. This is because they are the most likely to die because of age. The younger Ants will have other duties within the colony. These foraging Ants find a food source and create a pheromone trail back to the colony so that the workers can come and pillage.
Moths can detect pheromones from quite a long distance away, they are also pretty specific to what type of moth as well.
Humans are also attracted to one another in regards to pheromones. These attractants are released largely by sweat and over time will turn sour and be a deterrant as well.
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I was reflecting on a time back in 2007. I did not actually think much about this but I believe this was actually a potential factor in why this relationship was a failure.
One of the members of the metal core band I was in “Ash Season” had some lotion that his relative had to throw away because it had become illegal to sell. This lotion’s ingredients included some sort of pheromone.
I remember grabbing that stuff, not understanding what it really was and lathered it across my body. I jokingly said “I’m going to find my wife tonight”.
That evening we were playing a show at a friend’s house in Skandia, MI with a couple of other bands. I believe it was a Birthday Party Show.
I remember the odd abnormal attraction from about 3 girls but I had forgotten I had this lotion on. It was more-so for a joke earlier in the day.
Long story short, I met my first wife that night. I don’t know if it was because of the pheromones or if we actually had a legitimate connection at the time.
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It is very interesting to me as well what nature pushes.
It pushes reproduction; survival.
Most Insects are female…
The Honey Bee workers are all female, at the end of the season they have no need for the male drones to continue to spread the genetics of the hive. They push all of the males outside and they die outside of the nest.
Aphids are very interesting as well. The females already have babys that have babies inside of them. These babies are all direct clones and there is no fertilization involved; absolutely incredible.
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I recently took a trip down to Minnesota to discover a new state that I’ve never previously adventured. I observed many Dragonflies. I noticed that the larger females were green and the smaller males were blue.
A female and male were spinning around; it looked like they were dancing back and forth together.
Another male arrived into the circle, they spun around for a couple of seconds until the female decided to rest on a lillypad. The two males were spinning around with each other, I presume in attempt to win the female. They would spin near the female and she would get back into the mix. Eventually she rested again. Another male came from somewhere else and took her away where I couldn’t see them anymore. I thought that was a wonderful display of nature.
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Taking another view on nature. It is also extremely interesting to me that the fibonacci sequence is so prevalent.
Found in many areas of nature from flowers, plants, and animals it is very interesting to learn about how mathematics are very key in the breakdown of what nature is.
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What about crystals?
One that I tend to mention is quartz. Being piezoelectric, if pressure is applied an electrical current is produced.
Being the most prevalent mineral on earth I would presume that it is much needed within our environment.
Quartz regulates frequency they are used in many different electronic items to include some radios and watches. In a watch, the quartz regulates the frequency and allows the watch to tell more accurate time. The most accurate watch in the world is because of the quartz inside of it.
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Previously I had written about how it is important to understand your environment. These are not all things that you can understand by physically seeing it. Most of everything is invisible to the human eye.
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Vibrations
Mathematics
Pheromones
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I’ve spent a lot of time in cities, I’ve noticed the difference in human nature compared to humans in rural areas. I believe frequencies are causing a negative effect not only to humans but to the entirety of nature. I will touch on this now and expand on this in the future.
Spending time in nature for prolonged periods increase your ability to understand more about the environment around you. Even subtle cues or vibrations have been easier to detect.
I was walking next to a lake on a trail. I had stopped to enjoy the view. I had a very odd uncomfortable inner feeling. I felt like I needed to move. I did not see or hear anything. So I back tracked about 5 feet and stood and looked around to try to understand why I felt that way.
There was a Yellow Jacket Wasp nest that was less than 4 inches away from where I was standing. They were casually flowing in and out of their nest.
I wonder if I had felt the vibration and subconsciously knew to move even though I did not take notice of any sound, did not see any of the wasp, and was not stung.
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Nature is incredible; slowly I see it being destroyed by modernization. This includes housing, industry, human expansion, pesticides, etc.
After being in the city for quite a few years I had noticed that there is some sort of disruption. I am unsure if this is because of frequencies are being pushed out by everything. These frequencies are man-made.
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Is this something that may be considered for issues with the earth itself? Does the earth regulate its frequency being that quartz is one of the most abundant minerals?
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I stand back and am in awe of the complexity of our nature on this planet. I believe it is something we need to take focus to ensure its conservation.
A Frigid Reflection 1.
I remember driving up after a Christmas spent with my grandparents in Idabel, OK where I was born. We were headed north, my parents, brother and sister were all inside of a silver caravan. When we arrived we found ourselves in a parsonage on McClellan Street. I remember that was the first time I had seen more than a dusting of snow. The year was 1994 and I did not know anyone.
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I attended the Church of Christ across from the High School, because my dad was their new preacher. I was enrolled at Sandy Knoll Elementary School and started 1st Grade there. I remember one kid came in wearing roller blades, he glided around the room with ease. It was pretty cool.
I grew up within the Marquette school system from Elementary (Sandy Knoll) to Middle (Graveraet) which later transitioned to Gwinn Middle, and High School. In my senior year I had taken a Health Occupations class where I commuted to Marquette.
During this time I had established many relationships, as people do when they are growing up.
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Most of my friends were involved with the Church that our family went to. I did have some friends from school, or that lived nearby.
I would say that I was very sheltered growing up. I did not comprehend or understand a lot.
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In 7th Grade, my dad had lost his job as a preacher at the Church of Christ and we moved from the parsonage to a 4 bedroom unit previously used as family housing for the KI Sawyer Airforce Base.
Starting at Gwinn Middle School I was in my first classroom waiting on the teacher to start school.
I looked over at a kid next to me. he said “Are you a Fudge Packer?” I was so oblivious and innocent at that moment in my life that I had to ask him what it meant. In which he laughed hysterically.
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My Dad had been in the National Guard as a Chaplain since I was in 4th Grade. Previously I had heard stories about Special Forces training in regards to training to become an “Aid Man” 18D (MEDIC). He also served in the 82nd Airborne Division as a Medic until he got out. He then got a Masters Degree In Divinity and was commissioned with the Michigan Army National Guard.
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I remember his first Deployment. He was assigned as a Chaplain to work with a Blackhawk (aviation) unit out of Rhode Island. He flew off from Ki Sawyer Airport over to Rhode Island to meet up with the unit before the deployment to Iraq.
I remember seeing him wiping his eyes looking out of the window of the Airplane at us. My mother had even verbally stated to us that he was crying.
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This was the beginning to a new era for me.
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Reflection, My Era Of Hype. Part 2.
I remember this time when I was at my buddy Mike’s house. It was in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in the winter so there was a bunch of snow and was quite cold out.
Mike and I decided to go build a fire… and make some marshmallows. So we decided to start the fire with gasoline… Terrible idea for a fire intended for marshmallows. Mike poured some gasoline on the wood we placed on the snow and lit it on fire. We decided to add more gasoline… of course. At that point the flame had ignited the tip of the gasoline can. This was not a modern gas can. It did not have the safety features that we have today.
Mike started yelling, and was flailing the gas can around in attempt to put out the flame… This caused the gasoline to fly all around him. The tip ignited the gasoline and it was shooting around him like a flamethrower. Gas was on the ground and there were flames everywhere.
While this was happening I was laughing so hard I barely could breathe. I said to Mike, broken with laughter. “you’re going to die!”
I at one point thought the gas can was going to legitimately explode and ran into the back door of his garage.
I forget if I told him to, or if he did it on his own, but mike shoved the tip of the gas can into a snowbank and that stopped the carnage. I remember the gas burning past the time the can was put out. We used our feet to stomp it out.
Mike and I did so many things together. I believe the first time we ever hung out he came over to my house on Ki Sawyer. I had a paintball gun and we wanted to have some fun. We went on the hill behind my house near some woods and brush, a playground very near. Mike took his shirt off and was running around while I unloaded a lot of paintballs. He ended up with so many welts. When his mom came to pick him up, she was not surprised… It was mike.
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We have done so many random, crazy things together that I don’t think I could legitimately recall all of them.
The first time I ever tried dip it was with Mike, he had been doing it for a while and I finally wanted to see what it was all about. He only chewed Grizzly Wintergreen. I was in a break between my morning Class in Marquette doing Heath Occupations and my afternoon regular High School classes. We met up and I took what I would say now as an admirable size dip. I felt horrid, I am pretty sure I puked. I drove woozy to Gwinn high School for my classes and when I arrived, I felt very sick. I ended up going home.
80’s Day at Gwinn High School
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We also were in a Metal band together called Ash Season. Originally my buddy Billy was the bassist, but he moved to a town in Wisconsin. So, Mike took his spot. I think Mike actually used his Bass for a while until he got his own. We played some pretty sweet shows at the cornerstone. It was a building literally right on Marquette Senior High School. This place would get packed. At that point in time the emo, hardcore scene was poppin.
Ash Season at Corner Stone.
One time we were at the church helping with some type of massive sale of people’s belongings. It was like a massive garage sale. There was a bowling ball… So, we decided to play catch with it. Mike and I threw it up and towards each other. We did it until the bowling ball came directly down and onto my face. That wasn’t very intelligent.
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When we were in high school, I started seeing this girl “S” after we had gone to Prom together. She was the sister of “C” one of my friends in my high school class. I had set up Mike with C as an out-of-town Prom date.
After that it was amazing, for a while. C and S’s family has a beautiful home on a lake which also had Jet Ski’s. The ladies would relax and sunbathe on the dock while Mike and I would go out with the Jet Ski and Innertube and launch each other high into the air attempting to cause as much destruction as possible… as always. It was literally another excuse to have so much fun together.
Hawt pose on C & S’s Jetski.
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I do miss all of my friends from those years. Those days were probably some of the best I’ve ever had. I had found myself forgetting them for many years. Distracted by the new objective Infront of me. But those were the days with a very different type of hype.
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The Feel Of Death
I’ve had many friends and acquaintances that have had their life ended earlier than expected. usually, they were in their twenties.
My first friend that was killed was named Ricky. We called him Frankenstien. In late 2007 he transferred into the combat engineer course at Fort Leonard Wood, MO from his basic training at Fort Benning, GA. He was a tall lanky guy and had a great personality to him. We called him frankenstien because when we would put him in a rear naked choke and knocked him out his body would extend and fingers would extend out and be in weird positions since he was double jointed. This was something we did a lot to each other to practice quickly incapacitating a human after we were taught the techniques during our training.
on 16 january 2009 he was killed conducting operations in Iraq.
Over the course of time more and more of my buddies were either killed in action, committed suicide, or were murdered.
I found that I would have a delayed effect to these deaths. Sometimes it would take 2-3 minutes, sometimes days before I would be able to feel any emotion towards it. I found myself in times of extreme sadness. In these moments I would cry and release the normally non-existant emotion that I had consistantly on a day to day basis. I would also channel my emotions towards the loss in ways that would be of benefit to respect them. This was a motivator for me especially on long difficult runs. The only thing that would run in my head is that they felt more pain than my body was, and I could handle it.
My heart longs to somehow help those who feel like they cannot stand being alive anymore.
When I was dropped from the Special Forces program I was placed in a transition barracks before we were sent to our units “needs of the Army”. Some of my friends that were Airborne Infantry qualified were recieving orders to become Cook’s and other very non-appealing jobs to a person that was just attempting to become Special Forces.
One day when we were hanging out in the barracks we noticed a fire truck and ambulance arrive infront of our building. We were instructed to not leave our rooms. A soldier in the room 1 floor above me directly above my room had suffocated himself with a plastic bag and locked the door. I presume he felt shame in failing such a glorious accomplishment of earning the Green Beret.
One of my friends John, we both reported at the exact same time to A-Co 1-325. We served in the Infantry together and he was a beast physically. Emotionally for a time I did notice a deep depressive state while we were together. He did seek mental health treatment and was prescribed medical assistance on post.
Eventually John took his own life.
A good friend of mine, Dan. He was married to a friend of mine that lived one street away when I was in High School living on the KI Sawyer Airforce Base (decommissioned).
He was a support guy for 3rd Group and was deployed also while I was in Afghanistan in 2008-2009 as well as serving other deployments. We would get together and play Counter Strike : Global Offensive. He taught me how to play the game and the techniques needed to control the very specific recoil that the mechanics of the game has. We would literally play deep into the morning and pass out after the sun came back up.
He was also my only friend that showed up for my Promotion Ceremony when I became a Sergeant that was out of my unit.
When I created my Rhodes Entertainment company he also assisted me with the servers when we conducted the first monetary tournament for the game Insurgency Sandstorm.
Eventually, Dan got out of the Army and found himself in Florida. He was murdered.
One of my friends “Rollins”. We met at a facility in Norfolk, VA. We were both stationed at Fort Bragg and would see each other from time to time and became closer friends.
She and her boyfriend shot her Pitbull with a rifle to put him down and was facing criminal charges. People online spoke brutally towards her to include many threats.
I cannot imagine the sorrow that she endured during that time. She ended her life shortly after this event.
I find myself looking back periodically at videos and pictures of my friends and I remember specific moments in time when we would converse. This tends to play back in my head like they never left. Then I look around me and realize that isn’t reality. they are all gone.
I’ve had my own feelings of agony and sorrow as well. I’ve found myself in dark places that when in it, feels impossible to exit.
I was working at Teaching Family Homes of Upper Michigan, managing a house with female sexual abuse and neglect victims. One night when I was finishing up a report I recieved a phone call. It was my wife, she asked me when I was going to be home and proceeded to tell me she wasn’t going to be there after I got there. She wanted a divorce.
This ruined me for a very long time.
She was gone for a couple of weeks and I went out with some friends to go rock climbing and camped overnight. When I arrived home I found her naked on the couch. She quickly went into the bedroom and changed into clothing. She sat on the couch and I sat on the chair in the livingroom. She brought her Glock that I purchased for her birthday and sat it next to her. I asked for a hug. She said no. At that moment I knew no matter what it was over between us. I grabbed the gun and she ran out of the house through the sliding door. I said “don’t worry, this isn’t for you. This is for me.” I sat in the bathroom and proceeded to slightly squeeze the trigger. My phone rang from the Livingroom and I eventually went and answered it. I voluntarially at that moment decided that I needed help and checked myself into Marquette General Hospital.
The stories I’ve mentioned are just a couple of many wonderful people who are now a reoccurring memory playing back into my head.
Death effects everyone around you. I’ve heard of it as a ripple effect. It hurts the hearts of many.
Anyone that feels that they cannot handle life anymore. You CAN get out. it takes time and effort. There is more that you can do on this world for yourself and others. You will never know if you end it.
I wish more people would understand this.
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Introduction
Hello,
I thought I would write an introduction to this blog.
The things I do tend to change and modify as time goes on, so at this moment this is what I plan to do.
I would like to express experiences I’ve had and my personal thoughts on them.
I do not claim to be good or bad, but some of these experiences I’ve had may be shocking to some, but to me it is part of my life. I do not wish to offend.
I also want to allow others to be more aware of their surroundings.
I will post my personal resume on the “links” page if anyone wants to know more in-depth professional information about me. A couple of jobs aren’t in it currently, I may need to update it in the near future.
-Josh