The Mask Of Religion
Before I was born my family was involved with the Christian Faith. Specifically the Church Of Christ.
There are pictures of my mother and father holding me up infront of a church group in either Tennessee or Alabama after I was born. My father went to school at Abilene Christian University in Abilene, TX and earned a Masters in Divinity. After he graduated he took a position as a Preacher at the Church of Christ in MARQUETTE MICHIGAN. It was located across the street from the Marquette Senior High School.
We moved in 1994 from Abilene, TX to Marquette during the winter time. I believe it was directly after Christmas. On the trip we stopped at my Grandparents house where I was born in Idabel Oklahoma and spent Christmas there then traveled up to live in a parsonage “house owned by the church” on McClellan Street.
I remember within the week of us moving in to the house We were visited by some kids around our age that were relatives of the man who hired my father who was managing the Church. His name was Ernie Young. I remembered sitting in the church building with Ernie in a pew as he spoke to me about how he worked in Intelligence during the Vietnam Conflict. He explained about tortures involving pulling off fingernails and burning the raw areas with matches. I am unsure why this conversation stayed with me but I remember it to this day so vividly.
I would go to church every Sunday morning, evening, and on Wednesdays in the evening as well. I found myself deep in the book of Revelation “the prophecy about the end” consistently as my dad would be preaching infront of the congregation of around 30-40 people.
I was personally not super interested about the meat of the Bible as I was about the beginning and the end. The book of Genesis and Revelation.
In Sunday school Ernie’s wife was my teacher. We would sing songs and learn about stories in the Bible. I was a bit of a trouble maker and clown so I would be often kicked out of the room and would have to sit in a room alone that was off to the side of the main entrance to the downstairs of the building sometimes being watched by Ernie. I would tend to get scolded by my father about my misbehavior.
Every year we would have a bible competition called the Bible Bowl. All of the kids would line up and be asked random questions about stories, names, etc. factual information about what we had learned through the year. I remember facing against a family of girls who were very intent on learning the Bible and would actually read and study it not only during church hours.
The odd thing is, I would win every year. My prize was a Bible that I would toss to the side and never actually open.
Being born into religion and the beliefs of my family I whole heartedly believed everything that I was told. Which in my opinion was an excellent foundation to who I am today.
I do believe that the foundation and teachings of the Bible create respectable people. I understood and respected the 10 commandments.
At the age of 13 I decided that I was ready to be baptised being that I was told that it was the only way to be saved.
When I was baptized I remember being highly emotional and had cried during the ceremony.
At home during our family meals we would sit together at the table and pray before we ate. Thanking God for our food and our wonderful life we had to live.
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Being a preachers kid I had a lot to live up to, and our family was also looked at as being “good Christians”.
I remember times during my childhood where my father had become very angry when I would refuse to do my homework. One time he flipped me off of the chair I was sitting in and tackled me on the ground. I had hurt my hand and jammed my finger in the process. I ran into my bedroom at the end of the hall and hid underneath my bunkbed. My father insisted that I came out and would receive a spanking with a belt. I was crying and screaming and scared. He counted up every second that I was underneath the bed which would be the amount of spankings I would receive. I didn’t move for quite a while and the number increased and increased 30, 40, 50… Eventually I was dragged from underneath the bed and given my punishment being hit with the belt with frustration and intent of pain and punishment. Being that this was in the mid-late 1990’s this was a normal punishment for kids and not really seen as anything legitimately negative. Even when we were living in Texas the principal of the school had a paddle designed for spanking kids for punishment but had to call the parents for permission beforehand.
At times I would remember being spanked and my brother and sister would be standing watching crying while this was going on.
My father had a passion for music, he had played the trumpet and had even played in college. He formed a Christian band with some of his friends that was eventually named CTW “Created To Worship” which involved instruments. The Church Of Christ was an acapella group and believed that playing instruments was evil. That being so, eventually when I was in 7th grade he was fired from his position at the Church. We moved out of the parsonage in Marquette and ended up at the abandoned Ki Sawyer Air Force base about 30 minutes south of Marquette near the city of Gwinn.
My Dad had been in the Army National Guard as an Officer in the 107th Engineer Battalion based out of Ishpeming Michigan. He was the Battalion Chaplain. When 9-11 happened I was going to school at Graveraet Middle School in Marquette. After moving to Ki Sawyer “Base” he was deployed to Iraq.
This left my mother with 3 kids alone which started a very stressful time for her and us. Being that at this time she was un-medicated and is bipolar. I would endure random explosions of emotion and anger from her. Usually it was directed towards me since I was a bit of a rebel and the oldest.
I had remotes, eating utensils, and other objects thrown at me out of anger and frustration as well as being physically hit in the face and body on multiple occasions. I remember a time where she had hit me and chased me around the house until I had locked myself inside of the bathroom downstairs. She even tried to get into the bathroom where I had barricaded myself through the window outside. I remember times of extreme fear knowing that she was going to come after me. I was even once pinned down on the stairwell being choked out pushed down by the neck. I saw my mothers beet red face glaring into my eyes as her spit flew into my face as she told me that I belonged in the trash.
I remember coming home from school, my mother had told me to look at a magazine on the kitchen table to pick out some snow boots. I looked at them and saw the pricing and said “Mom, these are expensive!” she immediately snapped and started to scream at me.
I would find myself in many moments through the time my father was away that I would just stare at her standing as she was screaming at me at the top of her lungs. I would disassociate and it would be like she was yelling at a wall.
I contribute this to my ability to handle anything that anyone put infront of me in the military. In regards to the psychological breakdown that is supposed to happen during basic training. In August 2007 I enlisted in the Army National Guard and went to basic training shortly after in late September in which I was mixed in with Guard and Active duty recruits. When I was in basic training I was not phased by the drill sergeants. I was even asked by some of my peers how I could handle it all with ease. I didn't understand why at the time. I just knew it was nothing to me. “I was no bitch”.
I was with a girl named Ruby at the time when I went through basic training at Fort Leonard Wood. When I returned I was placed in a unit that was a mix of a couple of units in or near the Keewenaw. I was technically in the Baraga unit but we were combined with the unit in Calumet. “1431st Engineer Company (SAPPER)”.
Ruby and I decided to get married before the upcoming deployment leaving late November of 2008. We were very young, I was 20 years old at the time. We had gone to church together consistently and I was a virgin. I had deep faith in god and was very religious. My wife and I even had taught a Sunday school class for younger kids at the church.
I was deployed with the unit to Eastern Afghanistan, our mission was to clear Improvised Explosive Devices from routes and to conduct biometric and counter-IED missions. I found myself primarily working inside of the Tactical Operations Center although I did find myself on missions and was blown up by an IED in October 2009. I remember after that event I had called my wife, I stayed up late because of the 7.5 hour time difference and just wanted to hear her voice. When she answered she told me she was on the other line with her friend and wanted to get off of the phone.
I found myself setting up multiple times to Skype with her in which I was stood up on many of the dates. She emailed me and said that she felt numb towards me.
Eventually I had come home in November 2009 to the states and actually home in Michigan in December.
I had returned to the Church “Lake Superior Christian Church” that my family had been attending since my father had been fired from being a preacher. I felt extremely distant from everyone. I did not feel any comfort anymore by the closeness of my religious group. I began to spiral down into a pit of despair and would drink alone for hours playing call of duty drinking directly out of liquor bottles or drinking cases of beer.
Eventually my wife decided that was enough, I also didn’t know at the time that she was involved with another man.
I began working at a place called teaching Family Homes in which I worked with kids up to the age of 18 that were mostly wards of the state or were placed there because their families could not handle to take care of all of their needs. Since I did a good job with my work there I was quickly promoted to assist in the management of a house that had all girls that were sexual abuse and neglect victims. I loved this job and I loved working with my girls. I felt that I was able to at least help others.
One night I was called by my wife, she had just came back from a trip with her family for a couple of days. she said that she wouldn’t be there when I got home and she wanted a divorce.
I further spiraled, I eventually was pushed out of the house that I had purchased on Woodridge street in Marquette, MI and moved into a house that had a bunch of the guys that I had gone to church with on the corner 4th and Michigan. I slept on a futon mattress that was on the bottom of a bunk bed that was setup in the middle of a corridor between 2 of the guys rooms.
While I was there I had a lot of drinking events and I would see girls come in and out of my roommates rooms. I which eventually I would follow suit in my corridor and took good use of that futon mattress.
My mother had supported me once with a couple of cheap tortillas, a bag of cheese, and diced chicken from GFS that she got on sale. I made rice, mixed it all up together and put garlic in it. I ate this for weeks.
Eventually I had spiraled to the point that my roommates hated me. I then transferred to active duty in the 18x (Special Forces) Program and left Marquette.
From my massive spiral and new wild Army life I lead a life of a lot of spontaneous activities until I got out of the Army in early 2017.
Eventually I had gained employment working for a Pest Control company in Raleigh, NC. This company was owned by a wealthy family that was initially funded by the father. I worked up from being a technician to the service manager until they had sold in December of 2018. This family was Mormon, I since found the trend of Mormons being large into business and are very much connected in a vast network.
Being that I was now able to sit back and recognize and look at these networks of religion not only being Mormon.. But even christian. I found that churches are not only to worship “God” but to be used as a network almost identical to a group that I had attended while working with the Pest Control company called Business Networking International “BNI”.
I was taught very young that mega churches are evil and tell lies and only want money. I would be shown videos and watch small clips on the TV with my mother of Benny Hinn. She mocked him and said he was a lier and will go to hell.
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After years of working as a manager and doing some operational work with the Pest Companys in Raleigh, NC; Nashville, TN and Charlotte, NC. I found that these religious groups were big money making machines. These religious people had some serious problems with wanting GIRLS. Going on “business trips” including underground sex work. Eventually to include my wife which was paid for sex. I will go more in-depth with this part of the story soon in my next story called “The Ruda Virus”
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After I had learned about the infidelity at hand I left my home in Charlotte, NC to seek healing and nature to further understand myself and everything around me.
Upon returning back to Marquette, MI I found this vast “Christian” network was quite established and now had targeted my family in pursuit of their own gain.
I believe there is some sort of agreement to punish me for my “wrong doings”. I never had any type of faith in my mother to ever assist anyone but herself or her religious friend network. My mind has exploded from the consistent push by this group in which is very powerful in the area.
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My mother on a couple of occasions has even randomly spoken about people dying in the woods on hikes or on trails which I found random and off-putting. I even spoke with old church members for assistance with fixing my vehicle and other things but I was thrown to the side like a bag of trash.
I remember being taught that in the Bible the only one able to judge anyone was God. But the only judgement I’ve seen was from man/woman within the church.
I’ve learned since I had been gone there had been massive breaks within the church groups and multiple splits of congregation members. I visited Lake Superior Christian Church to appease my mother and I found that they are at about 5% strength of membership that they had before I had left in 2011.
My mother even had expressed her frustration with a previous pastor and said that he was put in his place… I presume by the power of the members of the church in the community.
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In 2011 before I left I had my second tattoo done on my inner left arm that is a Skull Nun. This was a personal statement of my hatred for organized religion.
If you look back in history, many wars and bloodshed was done in the name of GOD. But was it? I believe it was done in the name of man with the mask of God for power.
If you look how even governments have formed religious groups such as Polish Catholics, Roman Catholics, Russian Orthodox etc… They were created to have a specific structure for the people within their countries to create a specific culture for control.
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The leader of a christian group that housed college students at NMU called His house even committed adultery and got one of my friends pregnant. He had a wife and kids and threw it all away. How does a leader of the church do something like that?
What about the Catholic Church with molesting and raping young children?
Why is it all about sex? Because of human biology. The biology of animals are to reproduce. We are all wired that way. (some exceptions)
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When I would randomly return in a covert fashion to Marquette while I was in the army I also took notice to all of what was going on within the city and within this religious network. I believe that evil lurks within religious communities. Not all religious people are evil, they just want to feel better about everything that they have experienced in their lives and wish to live as good people and to move forward with happiness.
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It is important to remember that there are MANY wolves in sheep’s clothing. The weak tend to be in a church and the wolves exploit that to the fullest extent. They tend to be within the management.
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To be a good person, you don’t need to have the backing of a church. But to live by good values. I personally prefer to live by the Army Values I was taught and have found to be of great benefit in my life.
Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage.
I would expect religious people to follow something somewhat similar but I have been proven wrong by my own personal experience and story.
The mask is real. It is hard to see beyond it.
I know I rambled a bit earlier in this post, but I hope you can take some of this information and open your eyes to the wolves around you. Understand your environment.
I do believe in God, he is all knowing. There is no possibility of life without.
Save yourself from the evils of man.
Look beyond the mask.
Trap House part 1. Gnarlie Charlie
While I was in the Army I would consistently find and go to Metal Shows all across North Carolina. I would sometimes drive 5 hours just to go to a show and drive back directly after.
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I was at a show at a venue called Cup of Flow about an hours from Fort Bragg. I forget all of the bands that were playing, Lions For Lambs was the band I attended for.
Usually at these shows I would tend to slam dance. I guess I was at least somewhat okay at it because people attending and dancing would normally give some props for it afterwards kind of like the end of a fighting match or sports game. One of those people who liked it was my buddy “Gnarlie” Charlie. At this point I only saw him at some hardcore shows but had not actually spoken to him.
After the show, I was invited by the vocalist of the band Lions To Lambs to attend an after party. I gave Gnarlie a ride and picked up a case of beer. We ended up at a house that was inherited by the vocalist’s grandmother and partied it up.
I would continue to see Gnarlie at the metal and hardcore shows and we started to become closer friends.
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Eventually, I was invited to his “Crib” in Fayetteville. It was a Trap House in an apartment complex called Cambridge Arms.
I was asked if I could be security. Just hang-out and when someone knocks on the door to answer. I was also watching if a vehicle was about to come around into the parking lot. The only way to drive in you had to drive all the way around the building across one specific spot that was in my vision through the squinted blinds during the day or headlights or sound by night. Usually this was headlights since I was there mostly in the evening-early morning.
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I would also travel and be a safety net for entering other houses to do interactions with others. I remember a time where we went to a house and the guard was skeptical to let me in. My host that was bringing me to the occasion told him that I was his most trusted man and I was brought in immediately and sat down at a rectangular table with 2-3 others who sat smoking cigarettes and blunts while the interaction was in progress.
I did this for a while to feed my urge for adrenaline. At times my blood was pumping pretty heavily. But this is what I wanted.
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I saw many things inside of the Trap. it was also a place that I had to seek refuge when I needed it. I once went there when noone else was there for me after I had left Fayetteville. Gnarlie made sure that I had a spot to crash anytime I needed it. Even after I had moved in with my to be (3rd Wife) in Raleigh. We had a period that was very rocky and I had nowhere else at the time to go for the night. I drove to his house and he gave me something to “calm me down” which was a portion of a blunt passed back and forth between us and a girl that to that point I had never seen before.
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There was a portion of time where we chilled for a bit, spoke about old times. He told me about this new group he just joined and that he was the “Secretary” he was also infatuated with this girl that was texting him constantly. He told me he loved her.
I told him I needed to go and he did not want me to leave. He literally begged me to stay. But I had to go to this party. That was the last time I had spoken to him.
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I did notice while I was in his room that his blinds were wide open watching the street. I thought this of being a large hazard once I entered the room being the nature of the house, but I didn’t say anything.
I didn’t notice entirely at the time, nor was I thinking this. But he was scared to death and didn’t want me to leave. Recently he even had “Wanted Dead” tattooed on his face.
01DEC2017
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About 2 weeks later Gnarlie was shot through his window in his bedroom.
I would return periodically to Fayetteville from Raleigh to find and talk to people in attempt to figure out who did it. I would spend days walking around and meeting and talking with people to hopefully get resolve.
It never went anywhere.
I was contacted by the group Gnarlie was affiliated with in attempt to recruit for his position in which I declined.
That type of lifestyle was no longer for me anymore I had transitioned out.
The beauty Of Nature
Nature is absolutely incredible; I have some thoughts today in regards to some things I have personally learned and observed.
I’ve personally taken notice to the what I call “personalities” or what is the instinct or nature of a specific type of living organism.
Termites, Ants, Moth, Human etc. use pheromones to communicate, at least to some degree.
Termites use pheromones to tell the colony what to do in regards to production of which type of caste. (Alate “reproductive”, Nymph, Soldier, Worker) for the needs of the colony. They also use pheromones to communicate where a source of food is.
Some species of Ant send out the old older ants to go find the food. This is because they are the most likely to die because of age. The younger Ants will have other duties within the colony. These foraging Ants find a food source and create a pheromone trail back to the colony so that the workers can come and pillage.
Moths can detect pheromones from quite a long distance away, they are also pretty specific to what type of moth as well.
Humans are also attracted to one another in regards to pheromones. These attractants are released largely by sweat and over time will turn sour and be a deterrant as well.
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I was reflecting on a time back in 2007. I did not actually think much about this but I believe this was actually a potential factor in why this relationship was a failure.
One of the members of the metal core band I was in “Ash Season” had some lotion that his relative had to throw away because it had become illegal to sell. This lotion’s ingredients included some sort of pheromone.
I remember grabbing that stuff, not understanding what it really was and lathered it across my body. I jokingly said “I’m going to find my wife tonight”.
That evening we were playing a show at a friend’s house in Skandia, MI with a couple of other bands. I believe it was a Birthday Party Show.
I remember the odd abnormal attraction from about 3 girls but I had forgotten I had this lotion on. It was more-so for a joke earlier in the day.
Long story short, I met my first wife that night. I don’t know if it was because of the pheromones or if we actually had a legitimate connection at the time.
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It is very interesting to me as well what nature pushes.
It pushes reproduction; survival.
Most Insects are female…
The Honey Bee workers are all female, at the end of the season they have no need for the male drones to continue to spread the genetics of the hive. They push all of the males outside and they die outside of the nest.
Aphids are very interesting as well. The females already have babys that have babies inside of them. These babies are all direct clones and there is no fertilization involved; absolutely incredible.
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I recently took a trip down to Minnesota to discover a new state that I’ve never previously adventured. I observed many Dragonflies. I noticed that the larger females were green and the smaller males were blue.
A female and male were spinning around; it looked like they were dancing back and forth together.
Another male arrived into the circle, they spun around for a couple of seconds until the female decided to rest on a lillypad. The two males were spinning around with each other, I presume in attempt to win the female. They would spin near the female and she would get back into the mix. Eventually she rested again. Another male came from somewhere else and took her away where I couldn’t see them anymore. I thought that was a wonderful display of nature.
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Taking another view on nature. It is also extremely interesting to me that the fibonacci sequence is so prevalent.
Found in many areas of nature from flowers, plants, and animals it is very interesting to learn about how mathematics are very key in the breakdown of what nature is.
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What about crystals?
One that I tend to mention is quartz. Being piezoelectric, if pressure is applied an electrical current is produced.
Being the most prevalent mineral on earth I would presume that it is much needed within our environment.
Quartz regulates frequency they are used in many different electronic items to include some radios and watches. In a watch, the quartz regulates the frequency and allows the watch to tell more accurate time. The most accurate watch in the world is because of the quartz inside of it.
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Previously I had written about how it is important to understand your environment. These are not all things that you can understand by physically seeing it. Most of everything is invisible to the human eye.
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Vibrations
Mathematics
Pheromones
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I’ve spent a lot of time in cities, I’ve noticed the difference in human nature compared to humans in rural areas. I believe frequencies are causing a negative effect not only to humans but to the entirety of nature. I will touch on this now and expand on this in the future.
Spending time in nature for prolonged periods increase your ability to understand more about the environment around you. Even subtle cues or vibrations have been easier to detect.
I was walking next to a lake on a trail. I had stopped to enjoy the view. I had a very odd uncomfortable inner feeling. I felt like I needed to move. I did not see or hear anything. So I back tracked about 5 feet and stood and looked around to try to understand why I felt that way.
There was a Yellow Jacket Wasp nest that was less than 4 inches away from where I was standing. They were casually flowing in and out of their nest.
I wonder if I had felt the vibration and subconsciously knew to move even though I did not take notice of any sound, did not see any of the wasp, and was not stung.
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Nature is incredible; slowly I see it being destroyed by modernization. This includes housing, industry, human expansion, pesticides, etc.
After being in the city for quite a few years I had noticed that there is some sort of disruption. I am unsure if this is because of frequencies are being pushed out by everything. These frequencies are man-made.
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Is this something that may be considered for issues with the earth itself? Does the earth regulate its frequency being that quartz is one of the most abundant minerals?
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I stand back and am in awe of the complexity of our nature on this planet. I believe it is something we need to take focus to ensure its conservation.
A Frigid Reflection 1.
I remember driving up after a Christmas spent with my grandparents in Idabel, OK where I was born. We were headed north, my parents, brother and sister were all inside of a silver caravan. When we arrived we found ourselves in a parsonage on McClellan Street. I remember that was the first time I had seen more than a dusting of snow. The year was 1994 and I did not know anyone.
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I attended the Church of Christ across from the High School, because my dad was their new preacher. I was enrolled at Sandy Knoll Elementary School and started 1st Grade there. I remember one kid came in wearing roller blades, he glided around the room with ease. It was pretty cool.
I grew up within the Marquette school system from Elementary (Sandy Knoll) to Middle (Graveraet) which later transitioned to Gwinn Middle, and High School. In my senior year I had taken a Health Occupations class where I commuted to Marquette.
During this time I had established many relationships, as people do when they are growing up.
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Most of my friends were involved with the Church that our family went to. I did have some friends from school, or that lived nearby.
I would say that I was very sheltered growing up. I did not comprehend or understand a lot.
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In 7th Grade, my dad had lost his job as a preacher at the Church of Christ and we moved from the parsonage to a 4 bedroom unit previously used as family housing for the KI Sawyer Airforce Base.
Starting at Gwinn Middle School I was in my first classroom waiting on the teacher to start school.
I looked over at a kid next to me. he said “Are you a Fudge Packer?” I was so oblivious and innocent at that moment in my life that I had to ask him what it meant. In which he laughed hysterically.
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My Dad had been in the National Guard as a Chaplain since I was in 4th Grade. Previously I had heard stories about Special Forces training in regards to training to become an “Aid Man” 18D (MEDIC). He also served in the 82nd Airborne Division as a Medic until he got out. He then got a Masters Degree In Divinity and was commissioned with the Michigan Army National Guard.
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I remember his first Deployment. He was assigned as a Chaplain to work with a Blackhawk (aviation) unit out of Rhode Island. He flew off from Ki Sawyer Airport over to Rhode Island to meet up with the unit before the deployment to Iraq.
I remember seeing him wiping his eyes looking out of the window of the Airplane at us. My mother had even verbally stated to us that he was crying.
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This was the beginning to a new era for me.
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My Take On EXPERIENCE | REALITY
Throughout my life I’ve tended to chase a new experience.
Here are a couple off of the top of my head.
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Appalachian Trail (portion)
Delivered 2 babies with no medical support.
Delivered 2 calves.
Sold merchandise for high ticket events (21 Pilots | Monster Jam)
Traveled and sold merchandise for a Metal band for 10 days.
Assisted in videography for Music Videos.
Advised for a Video Game on Xbox|Playstation|PC
Was in the eye of Hurricane Matthew - Made international news
Attended a large, organized riot to document event in Charlotte, NC
Airborne Qualified
Previously popular Cam Model…
Security for a Trap-House.
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With more variety of experience in multiple fields you are like a Swiss Army Knife. Eventually experiences start to benefit other experiences and/or new experiences.
When I was in the MIARNG, 107th ENG BN 1431st Engineer Company (SAPPER) because the unit was not only specialized in their military MOS’s but were also electricians, plumbers, carpenters, etc. When deployed those skills were put into good use and was of benefit to everyone. A beautiful full size outdoor table was even constructed. That was a common place for most people in our unit and promoted morale. Another time, we were at a range, and we were going to sleep there in a building overnight and the electricity wasn’t working. Our 1SG was an Electrician. The lights and outlets were up and running in no time. The power of a multi-skilled unit is incredible. In my opinion better than a greater portion of active-duty units.
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Specialization is extremely important. Some people will devote their entire lives into one very specialized field and become absolute masters at their craft. These are the people to learn from.
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I personally found a love for Insects and Bugs after learning the ways to kill/control them. I am not an Entomologist; I’ve just tended to know more information than the average Pest Control Technician.
Knowing this type of information allows people to understand more than you would think. Understanding the life cycle of bugs and insects can tell you about hidden problems in your home. They also can tell you how long something has been deceased.
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I have spoken with people who have said they “haven’t done much except whatever was going on in my hometown." Even people who have never even left the secluded river where they were born. But they have experiences and skills that I wish I also had.
I’ve met Masters of catching fish out of the river using unconventional techniques, trainers of champion Hunting Dogs, Moonshiners. I personally value the art of others mastering a specific specialty.
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We can learn portions of skills from everyone around us.
I personally like to watch and learn. #peoplewatcher
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Remember to understand your perception is reality.
di-hydrogen monoxide can kill you in many ways it is extremely lethal. It is supplied to everyone. All serial killers have ingested it.
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H2O as we all know is water (di-hydrogen monoxide) if you are fed that sentence without understanding it fully and are told a specific perception of the truth. It may sway an opinion if not for a short period of time.
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The reasoning of both rants - learning by experience and perception of reality. Both come together to help us understand what reality actually is.
Trusting sources on what reality is sometimes even very credibly may sway your actions and the actions of others. (Unless you physically know the truth)
Religion is taught from a very young age, we have many different religions across the entire world. There are some definite differences, and some similarities.
What you are taught to believe is what also becomes reality.
This isn’t ALWAYS the case, a lot of information if not most that you can find is factual, but in some cases, this is a very real thing. Misinformation and disinformation. Investigate for yourself.
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This is an extreme example, I just wanted to open up your mind.
If you haven’t watched The Truman Show I think it’s a great movie.
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Understanding Your Enviornment
I have always been deeply intrigued to learn about my environment.
I believe that it is extremely important to do.
It can benefit you greatly in some circumstances. it may even keep you from danger.
The environment you are in changes constantly throughout the day. Unless you stay in the same exact spot for 24 hours… Even then there may be a change in environment.
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When I was in the Army I was taught to conduct reconnaissance and security patrols “R&S Patrols”. We would stop and take a knee or get prone and STOP, LOOK, LISTEN and SMELL for 5 minutes. This allowed us to get used to our environment. We were able to be more aware of our surroundings to detect any possible intelligence or threat around us in that area.
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When you go somewhere new, there are a lot of things that could be going on that you can learn from. Everything from specific types of Fungi growing on a rock, stump, tree, etc. to types of Insects and Bugs in that area. Sounds of the animals in the woods at night. Clothing selection of the people around you. Accessories other individuals are wearing if any. The temperature in the room, lighting. What kind of background noise do you have? What is the attitude of the other people in the room or area if any? What are people eating and/or drinking? What type of body language do others have? What are others saying? What is the smell?
These are just a few bits of information that you can gather very quickly.
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I found benefit monetarily by absorbing my environment while doing sales in potential customers or current customers homes. I was able to quickly gain rapport and learned more about the prospect than they could ever have thought possible. It also benefited me during my inspections because I was able to find very small evidence of large issues. This not only saved the prospect/customer from huge issues but also, I would tend to win the sale.
The other day I was sitting at a Chili’s by myself to just chill and eat some chips and salsa and have a beer.
An older man sat down to my right and didn’t say a word. He just looked around or up at one of the TV’s. The bartender went up to him and asked, “would you like another beer?”. He replied, “sure”. I saw her go over and start to pour a Yuengling. After he got his beer I said, you must be from the northeast. (We were near Charlotte, NC) He said “yes, I’m from Pennsylvania. I also tend to see the trend of The Grateful Dead.
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At one point I would sit out on a porch in the woods and converse with others on multiple occasions. I would hear the frogs speaking to each other in the pond down the hill. I am unsure why, but it always made me want to understand more about what their sounds can teach me about what is in their area. How much do they know about their envi0rnment that I cannot see? What can I hear that they can tell me?
Sit and look around, take in whatever is going on around you. Try to understand everything you can about it.
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You may learn something new.
The Girl That Got Away
THE GIRL THAT GOT AWAY
Apr 26
This person “F” I never did officially date; I was personally too afraid of asking her to be my girlfriend because I felt so intimidated by how much she made me feel. I also thought she was way out of my league.
She was a helicopter mechanic and a straight badass. brown eyes, athletic, and a personality that leads others.
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The first time I saw her she was guarding a person in her unit that had become a danger to themselves and/or others. She was watching this very large male, he looked to be of some sort of asian decent. He spoke with a very interesting cocky accent and would lay down in very odd ways on chairs or the ground and refuse to move for hours.
She looked at me and smiled as we locked eyes, directly after I was pulled aside by one of the staff and they had started to speak to me about how “I need to rest” and that “You’ve done enough for the Army and it was time to go home” and gave me a couple options that I could choose to do for a process to get out.
We would have conversation, but it would be somewhat short. It was not really allowed for us to converse at that time. Eventually we had exchanged numbers.
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I ended up dating other girls and would transition between them or have 3-5 friends that I would “chill” with on a weekly basis. Every once in a while “F” and I would get together and hangout for a coffee or a beer. I even had drinks at her house once. But I slept on the couch. At this point in my life that was absolutely unheard of. Before the drinks we had gotten together to meet up at a coffee shop on Fort Bragg. She showed up absolutely beautiful and with a wonderful low cut dress. We sat and spoke with each other for quite a while. I remember her inviting me over for drinks with friends and made the remark about “wearing that stupid dress”. I didn’t say anything in response. looking back at it now, I feel like I should have. I absolutely loved it, and it was extremely hard not to be noticed wandering. I found myself in a transient state at times during our conversation at the coffee shop, I wanted to pour out what I felt but I was so afraid. I did not want to lose even having the ability to meet up and hangout with such an incredible person that made me feel that way.
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Before the party, she changed out of her dress and into some casual blue jeans. But she would never know I thought she was literally the most beautiful, intelligent, and badass woman I had ever seen.
The last time I saw her we went to a brewery and sat outside and hung out. I forget the name of the place; it was on the outskirts of Fayetteville or in a surrounding town. Even then I wanted to speak, tell her what I thought and felt about her. But I never did.
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I believe everything happens for a reason. I don’t regret any of it. Although I will always remember her at that coffee shop in that wonderful dress, or that first moment when we locked eyes and she smiled.
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Reflection, My Era Of Hype. Part 2.
I remember this time when I was at my buddy Mike’s house. It was in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in the winter so there was a bunch of snow and was quite cold out.
Mike and I decided to go build a fire… and make some marshmallows. So we decided to start the fire with gasoline… Terrible idea for a fire intended for marshmallows. Mike poured some gasoline on the wood we placed on the snow and lit it on fire. We decided to add more gasoline… of course. At that point the flame had ignited the tip of the gasoline can. This was not a modern gas can. It did not have the safety features that we have today.
Mike started yelling, and was flailing the gas can around in attempt to put out the flame… This caused the gasoline to fly all around him. The tip ignited the gasoline and it was shooting around him like a flamethrower. Gas was on the ground and there were flames everywhere.
While this was happening I was laughing so hard I barely could breathe. I said to Mike, broken with laughter. “you’re going to die!”
I at one point thought the gas can was going to legitimately explode and ran into the back door of his garage.
I forget if I told him to, or if he did it on his own, but mike shoved the tip of the gas can into a snowbank and that stopped the carnage. I remember the gas burning past the time the can was put out. We used our feet to stomp it out.
Mike and I did so many things together. I believe the first time we ever hung out he came over to my house on Ki Sawyer. I had a paintball gun and we wanted to have some fun. We went on the hill behind my house near some woods and brush, a playground very near. Mike took his shirt off and was running around while I unloaded a lot of paintballs. He ended up with so many welts. When his mom came to pick him up, she was not surprised… It was mike.
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We have done so many random, crazy things together that I don’t think I could legitimately recall all of them.
The first time I ever tried dip it was with Mike, he had been doing it for a while and I finally wanted to see what it was all about. He only chewed Grizzly Wintergreen. I was in a break between my morning Class in Marquette doing Heath Occupations and my afternoon regular High School classes. We met up and I took what I would say now as an admirable size dip. I felt horrid, I am pretty sure I puked. I drove woozy to Gwinn high School for my classes and when I arrived, I felt very sick. I ended up going home.
80’s Day at Gwinn High School
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We also were in a Metal band together called Ash Season. Originally my buddy Billy was the bassist, but he moved to a town in Wisconsin. So, Mike took his spot. I think Mike actually used his Bass for a while until he got his own. We played some pretty sweet shows at the cornerstone. It was a building literally right on Marquette Senior High School. This place would get packed. At that point in time the emo, hardcore scene was poppin.
Ash Season at Corner Stone.
One time we were at the church helping with some type of massive sale of people’s belongings. It was like a massive garage sale. There was a bowling ball… So, we decided to play catch with it. Mike and I threw it up and towards each other. We did it until the bowling ball came directly down and onto my face. That wasn’t very intelligent.
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When we were in high school, I started seeing this girl “S” after we had gone to Prom together. She was the sister of “C” one of my friends in my high school class. I had set up Mike with C as an out-of-town Prom date.
After that it was amazing, for a while. C and S’s family has a beautiful home on a lake which also had Jet Ski’s. The ladies would relax and sunbathe on the dock while Mike and I would go out with the Jet Ski and Innertube and launch each other high into the air attempting to cause as much destruction as possible… as always. It was literally another excuse to have so much fun together.
Hawt pose on C & S’s Jetski.
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I do miss all of my friends from those years. Those days were probably some of the best I’ve ever had. I had found myself forgetting them for many years. Distracted by the new objective Infront of me. But those were the days with a very different type of hype.
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The Feel Of Death
I’ve had many friends and acquaintances that have had their life ended earlier than expected. usually, they were in their twenties.
My first friend that was killed was named Ricky. We called him Frankenstien. In late 2007 he transferred into the combat engineer course at Fort Leonard Wood, MO from his basic training at Fort Benning, GA. He was a tall lanky guy and had a great personality to him. We called him frankenstien because when we would put him in a rear naked choke and knocked him out his body would extend and fingers would extend out and be in weird positions since he was double jointed. This was something we did a lot to each other to practice quickly incapacitating a human after we were taught the techniques during our training.
on 16 january 2009 he was killed conducting operations in Iraq.
Over the course of time more and more of my buddies were either killed in action, committed suicide, or were murdered.
I found that I would have a delayed effect to these deaths. Sometimes it would take 2-3 minutes, sometimes days before I would be able to feel any emotion towards it. I found myself in times of extreme sadness. In these moments I would cry and release the normally non-existant emotion that I had consistantly on a day to day basis. I would also channel my emotions towards the loss in ways that would be of benefit to respect them. This was a motivator for me especially on long difficult runs. The only thing that would run in my head is that they felt more pain than my body was, and I could handle it.
My heart longs to somehow help those who feel like they cannot stand being alive anymore.
When I was dropped from the Special Forces program I was placed in a transition barracks before we were sent to our units “needs of the Army”. Some of my friends that were Airborne Infantry qualified were recieving orders to become Cook’s and other very non-appealing jobs to a person that was just attempting to become Special Forces.
One day when we were hanging out in the barracks we noticed a fire truck and ambulance arrive infront of our building. We were instructed to not leave our rooms. A soldier in the room 1 floor above me directly above my room had suffocated himself with a plastic bag and locked the door. I presume he felt shame in failing such a glorious accomplishment of earning the Green Beret.
One of my friends John, we both reported at the exact same time to A-Co 1-325. We served in the Infantry together and he was a beast physically. Emotionally for a time I did notice a deep depressive state while we were together. He did seek mental health treatment and was prescribed medical assistance on post.
Eventually John took his own life.
A good friend of mine, Dan. He was married to a friend of mine that lived one street away when I was in High School living on the KI Sawyer Airforce Base (decommissioned).
He was a support guy for 3rd Group and was deployed also while I was in Afghanistan in 2008-2009 as well as serving other deployments. We would get together and play Counter Strike : Global Offensive. He taught me how to play the game and the techniques needed to control the very specific recoil that the mechanics of the game has. We would literally play deep into the morning and pass out after the sun came back up.
He was also my only friend that showed up for my Promotion Ceremony when I became a Sergeant that was out of my unit.
When I created my Rhodes Entertainment company he also assisted me with the servers when we conducted the first monetary tournament for the game Insurgency Sandstorm.
Eventually, Dan got out of the Army and found himself in Florida. He was murdered.
One of my friends “Rollins”. We met at a facility in Norfolk, VA. We were both stationed at Fort Bragg and would see each other from time to time and became closer friends.
She and her boyfriend shot her Pitbull with a rifle to put him down and was facing criminal charges. People online spoke brutally towards her to include many threats.
I cannot imagine the sorrow that she endured during that time. She ended her life shortly after this event.
I find myself looking back periodically at videos and pictures of my friends and I remember specific moments in time when we would converse. This tends to play back in my head like they never left. Then I look around me and realize that isn’t reality. they are all gone.
I’ve had my own feelings of agony and sorrow as well. I’ve found myself in dark places that when in it, feels impossible to exit.
I was working at Teaching Family Homes of Upper Michigan, managing a house with female sexual abuse and neglect victims. One night when I was finishing up a report I recieved a phone call. It was my wife, she asked me when I was going to be home and proceeded to tell me she wasn’t going to be there after I got there. She wanted a divorce.
This ruined me for a very long time.
She was gone for a couple of weeks and I went out with some friends to go rock climbing and camped overnight. When I arrived home I found her naked on the couch. She quickly went into the bedroom and changed into clothing. She sat on the couch and I sat on the chair in the livingroom. She brought her Glock that I purchased for her birthday and sat it next to her. I asked for a hug. She said no. At that moment I knew no matter what it was over between us. I grabbed the gun and she ran out of the house through the sliding door. I said “don’t worry, this isn’t for you. This is for me.” I sat in the bathroom and proceeded to slightly squeeze the trigger. My phone rang from the Livingroom and I eventually went and answered it. I voluntarially at that moment decided that I needed help and checked myself into Marquette General Hospital.
The stories I’ve mentioned are just a couple of many wonderful people who are now a reoccurring memory playing back into my head.
Death effects everyone around you. I’ve heard of it as a ripple effect. It hurts the hearts of many.
Anyone that feels that they cannot handle life anymore. You CAN get out. it takes time and effort. There is more that you can do on this world for yourself and others. You will never know if you end it.
I wish more people would understand this.
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Reflection, my era of hype. Part 1.
Bathroom at a Dance Club. I was alone.
Part 1.
Thinking back at the times that I was feeling at my highest, i was also pretty dang low. I lived a very chaotic and random on the spur life. I was in the middle of… multiple potential relationships and was dancing every weekend, as well as some of the days through the week. If my bro’s did not want to come with me I went all alone. I’ve always enjoyed the experience of going somewhere new solo. I’ve been to underground raves, a lot of metal shows, many many dance clubs of all varieties… My favorite was Sharky’s or their neighbor club Secrets.
There were times that I wanted to go home so bad to marquette, mi but i was in myrtle beach… I had a 3 day weekend so I immediately started driving up with only stopping for gasoline. A couple of times I did this, i would not want to be seen and would only share with very few people that I was in the area. Sometimes I would just go sleep in the woods, or on the beach along Lake Superior.
One thing that I was doing for sure, was going down-town. Washington Street. Remies has always been my first spot that I head to. I usually ended up there towards the end of the night if the dance clubs “Skeet Skeet” we will call it… and the irish pub across the street were closed.
No-matter what I also had to go to my favorite brewery. Black Rocks. I was there within the first day or two of them opening since I lived 1 block over. I purchased a hand crafted mug there that they store in-house. This was a very limited time period, and it was difficult to find mugs. I picked mine out of a cluster of just a couple of mugs. Best $40 I’ve ever spent. I would tend to see people there, I especially enjoyed when I would bump into the german mother of one of my friends.
I would show up randomly at my parents door sometimes and surprise them. One time I found my ex-wife with the dude she cheated on me with at a local brewery. I never knew what was going down randomly in marquette, mi. It was always a new, refreshing, experience when I took those trips. I took one of my army buddies up with me once and he did not like the experience… I was all about minimalist camping, and he preferred a bed. [He was not an Infantryman]
I’ve been told by a couple of my friends in my army friend group that they had to take turns partying with me cause I was so constant. I was usually somewhere else, If I was at home, I was playing my favorite PC game Insurgency.
Thinking farther back, even when I was in high school I would be either doing something somewhere, or I was at home. Taking care of my siblings, cooking them brownies or ramen noodles 80% of the time. My Dad was deployed to Iraq and my mother was very on edge and sometimes not there when I would return from school. I don’t mean writing this as a stab at anyone, it’s just how it was.
I was a wrestler, they called me gumby because I was so flexible. I wasn’t the best wrestler, but I made sure that I was not pinned. I found how to channel my motivation through wrestling. This became beneficial in moments where during extreme physical exhaustion I was able to push on and accomplish my goal. One being my first 20 mile trail run. I had never competed in a long distance run before and out of the entire battalion and more that wanted to join. I finished 7th place.
One time I decided to follow the advice of my bro “Delta” and get a pedicure. A couple of weeks later I did a 20 mile ruckmarch. At mile 11 I felt a lot of pain.. Even after consistantly rotating socks (combo of thin and wool socks) and powdering my feet, by mile 20 I had ripped the skin off the ball of my feet off. [HERE IS THE PHOTO] I returned after the ruckmarch and spoke to the medic about my feet. I went by the CP and one of the Squad Leaders asked “why did you keep going?” I replied, “Because I don’t stop.”
I would pre-game every 20 miler (run or ruck) with a 12 pack of Guiness stout and a large bowl of some type of pasta. Before the run I would drink half of my large Bolt House chocolate drink that had 65g of Protein and a high amount of potassium per bottle. When I returned I would finish my drink, and the unit FRG would have pasta and fruit for us. We would stop by the CP and grab a beer from our command as well. The medic would pass out a pill form muscle relaxer to us and we would clean our weapons until the most of us passed out then we would be eventually released to go home after we turned in all of our “clean” equipment.
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Introduction
Hello,
I thought I would write an introduction to this blog.
The things I do tend to change and modify as time goes on, so at this moment this is what I plan to do.
I would like to express experiences I’ve had and my personal thoughts on them.
I do not claim to be good or bad, but some of these experiences I’ve had may be shocking to some, but to me it is part of my life. I do not wish to offend.
I also want to allow others to be more aware of their surroundings.
I will post my personal resume on the “links” page if anyone wants to know more in-depth professional information about me. A couple of jobs aren’t in it currently, I may need to update it in the near future.
-Josh