THE FEEL OF DEATH
Apr 23
I’ve had many friends and acquaintances that have had their life ended earlier than expected. usually, they were in their twenties.
My first friend that was killed was named Ricky. We called him Frankenstien. In late 2007 he transferred into the combat engineer course at Fort Leonard Wood, MO from his basic training at Fort Benning, GA. He was a tall lanky guy and had a great personality to him. We called him frankenstien because when we would put him in a rear naked choke and knocked him out his body would extend and fingers would extend out and be in weird positions since he was double jointed. This was something we did a lot to each other to practice quickly incapacitating a human after we were taught the techniques during our training.
on 16 january 2009 he was killed conducting operations in Iraq.
Over the course of time more and more of my buddies were either killed in action, committed suicide, or were murdered.
I found that I would have a delayed effect to these deaths. Sometimes it would take 2-3 minutes, sometimes days before I would be able to feel any emotion towards it. I found myself in times of extreme sadness. In these moments I would cry and release the normally non-existant emotion that I had consistantly on a day to day basis. I would also channel my emotions towards the loss in ways that would be of benefit to respect them. This was a motivator for me especially on long difficult runs. The only thing that would run in my head is that they felt more pain than my body was, and I could handle it.
My heart longs to somehow help those who feel like they cannot stand being alive anymore.
When I was dropped from the Special Forces program I was placed in a transition barracks before we were sent to our units “needs of the Army”. Some of my friends that were Airborne Infantry qualified were recieving orders to become Cook’s and other very non-appealing jobs to a person that was just attempting to become Special Forces.
One day when we were hanging out in the barracks we noticed a fire truck and ambulance arrive infront of our building. We were instructed to not leave our rooms. A soldier in the room 1 floor above me directly above my room had suffocated himself with a plastic bag and locked the door. I presume he felt shame in failing such a glorious accomplishment of earning the Green Beret.
One of my friends John, we both reported at the exact same time to A-Co 1-325. We served in the Infantry together and he was a beast physically. Emotionally for a time I did notice a deep depressive state while we were together. He did seek mental health treatment and was prescribed medical assistance on post.
Eventually John took his own life.
A good friend of mine, Dan. He was married to a friend of mine that lived one street away when I was in High School living on the KI Sawyer Airforce Base (decommissioned).
He was a support guy for 3rd Group and was deployed also while I was in Afghanistan in 2008-2009 as well as serving other deployments. We would get together and play Counter Strike : Global Offensive. He taught me how to play the game and the techniques needed to control the very specific recoil that the mechanics of the game has. We would literally play deep into the morning and pass out after the sun came back up.
He was also my only friend that showed up for my Promotion Ceremony when I became a Sergeant that was out of my unit.
When I created my Rhodes Entertainment company he also assisted me with the servers when we conducted the first monetary tournament for the game Insurgency Sandstorm.
Eventually, Dan got out of the Army and found himself in Florida. He was murdered.
One of my friends “Rollins”. We met at a facility in Norfolk, VA. We were both stationed at Fort Bragg and would see each other from time to time and became closer friends.
She and her boyfriend shot her Pitbull with a rifle to put him down and was facing criminal charges. People online spoke brutally towards her to include many threats.
I cannot imagine the sorrow that she endured during that time. She ended her life shortly after this event.
I find myself looking back periodically at videos and pictures of my friends and I remember specific moments in time when we would converse. This tends to play back in my head like they never left. Then I look around me and realize that isn’t reality. they are all gone.
I’ve had my own feelings of agony and sorrow as well. I’ve found myself in dark places that when in it, feels impossible to exit.
I was working at Teaching Family Homes of Upper Michigan, managing a house with female sexual abuse and neglect victims. One night when I was finishing up a report I recieved a phone call. It was my wife, she asked me when I was going to be home and proceeded to tell me she wasn’t going to be there after I got there. She wanted a divorce.
This ruined me for a very long time.
She was gone for a couple of weeks and I went out with some friends to go rock climbing and camped overnight. When I arrived home I found her naked on the couch. She quickly went into the bedroom and changed into clothing. She sat on the couch and I sat on the chair in the livingroom. She brought her Glock that I purchased for her birthday and sat it next to her. I asked for a hug. She said no. At that moment I knew no matter what it was over between us. I grabbed the gun and she ran out of the house through the sliding door. I said “don’t worry, this isn’t for you. This is for me.” I sat in the bathroom and proceeded to slightly squeeze the trigger. My phone rang from the Livingroom and I eventually went and answered it. I voluntarially at that moment decided that I needed help and checked myself into Marquette General Hospital.
The stories I’ve mentioned are just a couple of many wonderful people who are now a reoccurring memory playing back into my head.
Death effects everyone around you. I’ve heard of it as a ripple effect. It hurts the hearts of many.
Anyone that feels that they cannot handle life anymore. You CAN get out. it takes time and effort. There is more that you can do on this world for yourself and others. You will never know if you end it.
I wish more people would understand this.
⛛